Five Reasons You Shouldn't See Adam Sandler's Latest Movie
Branded Magazine, June 2016. The website is defunct.
I haven’t watched “The Do-Over” and I hope you don’t either. While you might be suspicious of a movie critic that hasn’t even seen the movie, I suspect that I have all of the evidence I need to dissuade you from seeing Adam Sandler’s latest film. Here are five definitive reasons why you shouldn’t see it.
1. Sandler’s Career Arc
Adam Sandler hasn’t made a watchable movie since 2003, so I’m just playing the odds when I say that this movie won’t be all that great either. My confidence grows when I consider that the movie is co-starring David Spade: Former Adult Star. Sandler’s films have become a joke unto themselves, as audiences attend with the intent of open mockery; whether he is aware of this one can’t know. What one can know, courtesy of a quick Google search, is that Adam Sandler is worth $300 million, which makes it all the more confusing as to why he hasn’t simply retired at this point. Instead, Sandler recently signed a four-movie deal with Netflix, which marks a decline in both quality and integrity for a streaming site that has produced quality original content with shows like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black. C’mon Netflix.
2. Reason that Includes Something Culturally Relevant
If not buying meat can somehow deter the future production of animal products, then not watching this film can hopefully deter Netflix from having more ideas like this. In fact, the only value films of this nature have is that they set the benchmark for terrible films. Filmmakers in the future can avoid making the same mistakes - casting all of your friends, cheap racist jokes, employing Taylor Lautner - in the future. So maybe this film does have some value but please don’t see it.
If you trust the website Rotten Tomatoes as a reliable metric for movie quality, then here are some interesting facts: Sandler has 8 fresh ratings in a career that includes 57 working credits, and 12 of those titles were 10% or under. That’s deplorable. In fact, I reckon that you and your friends could produce a higher median rating with a $400 dollar budget and an iphone 4. Please don’t see this movie.
3. David Spade
David Spade.
4. The Formula
Sandler’s best films have a distinct formula where the punch line is simply his presence. Ex-hockey player with an anger management problem and a killer slapshot tries out golf – insert Adam Sandler. Waterboy with anger management issues channels his energy into a contact sport – insert Adam Sandler. Movie called “Anger Management.” Wait a minute… have we just discovered the working formula for a good Adam Sandler flick? Is Angry Adam the key to exploiting American sensibilities and emptying the pockets of the modern day consumer?
Further...
Consider the movie poster and the tagline, “Two down-on their-luck guys decide to fake their own deaths and start over with new identities, only to find the people they’re pretending to be are in even deeper trouble.” From this information alone I find no evidence that Sandler plays a crazy person, and thus fails to satisfy the surprisingly scientific formula above.
5. The Movie Poster
It looks like the poster was made on Instagram with a cheesy holiday filter. Worse yet, it also looks like it was made on a green screen, leading me to believe that the films budget didn’t afford them the opportunity to go to an actual beach with some actual palm trees. You might also notice that the bullets on Sandler’s vest are inconsistent with the gun he is toting ever so unconvincingly. Also, characters with arm tattoos are not likely to shave their armpit hair, making Sandler’s character traits inconsistent. All of these are egregious oversights, and if the movie poster is any indication of the quality of the film, this film will be riddled with egregious oversights. Has David Spade just seen the ghost of his career?
All of this amounts to a movie that you almost certainly should make yourself sit through. Maybe watch “Fuller House” instead.